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Bestof World's Funniest Quotes 1.0
Best of Hand Picked Funny Quotes atyourFingertips !- Browse all Quotes- Get a single funny random quote per click- Get 5 random funny quotes per clickbelow are the first 30 funny quotes out of 495 in total :1.Charlotte: So how are you?Carrie: I'm good. Howareyou?Charlotte: Great.Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair andhebroke up with me.Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex onourhoneymoon.Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee orshouldwe get two guns and kill ourselves?- Sex and the City2.Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but Ilikeit. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself,andwhen he's talking about myself, all of us are talking aboutme.- George W. Bush3.Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you getit,then wonder what to do with it.- Oscar Wilde4.If you really want something in this life you have to workforit. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lotterynumbers- Dan Castellaneta5.In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.- Woody Allen6.Eggs have no business dancing with stones- Italian Proverb7.Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.- Oscar Wilde8.Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage ofyourlife when you will be happy to hear that the phone is foryou.- Fran Lebowitz9.I don't exaggerate - I just remember big- Chi Chi Rodriguez10.Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.- Woody Allen11.Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission- Fred Allen12.If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for awalk.- Anonymous13.I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire 'em.- Jack L. Warner14.Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutesareperfect.- Benny Hill15.My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her outinthe lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, theyweren'ttrying to teach you how to swim."- Paula Poundstone16.Never accept a drink from a urologist.- Erma Bombeck17.Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and youwerein the wrong place at the wrong time.- Ani Difranco18.Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowestcrimerates in the country.- Anonymous19.Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need tobeisolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can beobtainedfrom them...- Dan Castellaneta20.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessaryfromtime to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder ablackeye.- Miss Piggy21.Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a memberofCongress. But I repeat myself- Mark Twain22.Always remember that I have taken more out of alcoholthanalcohol has taken out of me.- Winston Churchill23.I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so IcalledInformation. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can'tfindmy socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." Andtheywere!- Stephen Wright24.Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back- Anonymous25.The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income taxreturn.It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.- Arthur C. Clarke26.My grandmother started walking five miles a day when shewassixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hellsheis.- Ellen DeGeneres27.I speak two languages, Body and English.- Mae West28.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I couldhearheavy breathing again.- Erma Bombeck29.Sacred cows make the best hamburger- Mark Twain30.One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when Iamhaving a good time.- Nancy Witcher Astor, Viscountess
